Today I leave for Family vacation in Florida. I'm at the airport. My fam already arrived in Orlando. I think my plane is delayed, that sucks. Hopefully this time will go by fast!
I know what it’s like now. I know what it’s like to feel like nothing more than a burden to someone, to feel as if you aren’t doing anything but bringing them down, to feel unwanted.
Surgery sucks. Well, at least the first few days after it do. Would you want to know what it feels like? It’s a throbbing pain. The more you think about it the harder it pounds. It’s a burning feeling, it’s an achy feeling, and it sucks. When I stand up, the blood rushes to the seams. I feel like my foot is going to burst open.
I feel useless. I can’t do much. The only thing I get up for is to use the bathroom and most times I’ll hold it for hours because it causes that much pain. I haven’t even taken a shower yet because I’m drained of energy. Someone has to bring me food, bring me drinks, and do everything for me. I hate it. The kind of person I am is independent. I have always been this way, since I was a baby. I liked doing things on my own and for myself. For me to ask someone to do something for me is like suicide. This state I’m in now, I have to depend on someone for EVERYTHING. I feel so vulnerable. My stepdad says I’m “milking” this surgery. I just wish I could trade places with him for 5 minutes, so he could know what I feel like. Because spending your entire spring break in bed, not being able to move is so milky.
My pain medicine sucks. It makes me sick, drowsy, itchy and I can barely keep food down while I’m on it. So I stopped taking it. And now I’m in more pain than I was before. The pain gets worse at night I can’t find a position comfortable enough, so I just toss and turn. Last night I woke up four times. Each time I dreaded it. I wish the time would move faster. It seemed as if I was suck in the moment, like I went to sleep and it was 2:00am and 5 hours later I woke up and it was 2:05am.
I just want to walk again. Every day, we take the simple things for granted. We don’t realize how much of a blessing it is to just be able to walk.
Next week, I’m supposed to be going on a vacation to Florida with my family. They were going to go without me. Now, I am going. And now I can barely walk. Now I am a bigger burden than before. They are going to Universal Studios: Islands of Adventure and Magic Kingdom. My mom says “don’t you want to stay at the hotel by the pool?” Yeah, of course I want to sit in the hot sun by a pool, I couldn’t even get in if I wanted to. Oh and after we get back from Florida, they’re going to Chicago and my mom says “you can just stay here.” I really hope I can walk by then. Only God knows how much pain I’m in.
The funny thing is, I’ve had this surgery before and I don’t remember it hurting this bad. Maybe I’m going through this much pain now, because God is going to heal me faster. Through all the pain, I will still try to smile and keep hope. Well, I can only hope…
So I was in speech class this week, maybe Wednesday and one of my classmates was giving a speech on Alcoholism. During this speech I began to think of my dad. No, he wasn't an alcoholic but he had problems that affected me. I may discuss in a later blog. Well in class a lot of time people pause when they can't think of what to say next. My classmate took a pause, longer than normal. He began trying to speak as if he was searching for words, but couldn't put them together to fully create a sentence. I then realized he wasn't trying to think of words to say, he was thinking of a way to fight back tears. This touched me because I understood. Though I understood I don't know if he felt as if anyone could. He probably was feeling like he was the only one going through this emotion, not knowing someone in that very class was going through these emotions with him. I began to fight back tears as if I was in his position and I was. Though, I don't know this man from tom on the street and couldn't even tell you his name if I wanted to, he impacted my life at that very moment. I was trying to think of something I could write for people who feel alone. I want to let them know that they're not. I want to let them know... let us know, we are not the only ones going through our situation, but my mind was blank. Sometimes the situations we face leave our minds full of clutter and empty of clarity, direction and understanding. So I wrote something else. I wrote this...
It’s hard to think… Well no, I think quite a lot. It’s easy to think. Too easy.
It’s hard to think, clearly. My mind seems to become some over sized landfill for thoughts. All the things you want to find Were never dumped.
I try and control my mind But it seems to control me. If I cannot control my mind, How do I control anything?
I lose focus to daydreams And I lose sleep at night. If I were to lose another thing, Lose my mind, I might.
So you can’t control your mind And your thoughts are running free But what if they’re trying to lead you Where you need to be.
Listen to the thoughts you think Before you turn them away. Listen to the stories they tell. Listen carefully.
I use to think my mind was lost But lost thoughts, found made me.
This is my first blog post! Yayy! Claps for Kashlee. I’m excited, not only for me but all the people I can reach. This blog is for you! Whatever you wanna know, you got it! Just submit on home page!
I’m here for support. To be there for anyone who needs it. Whether it’s picking out an outfit for school or problems with your parents! I got you! L0l ( : & everything is anonymous!
Hopefully, with help I’ll get better at this blog thing. But that’s all for now folks. Make Comments below!